Dig a bit deeper next time

Well, today's state TT went semi-according to plan. Actually, it didn't really, I'm just trying to convince myself that it did go ok. The details are that it was rough. I was 1m31sec slower than last year, but finished only 1 step below in 8th place. I'm not totally crushed, again, just frustrated. The first leg started off pretty good. I was singing...no...shouting my mantra to myself the whole time to try to combat any negative thought. There truly weren't any, but, I was being "proactive". Anyway, Richard Hoehler passed me about 3 minutes in as expected, but, it didn't faze me one bit. Richard use to start behind me at the Cherry Creek TT, and would always pass me about a minute or so into the race. So, the first turnaround comes through and I punch it. I don't even look at the SRM except to get myself up to a good wattage, dig the feel, and go with it. I passed one or two guys, but I could feel the darkness creeping up. I combated it with the mantra and kept it at bay. Once I started to hit a few of the rises I started to kinda crack a bit mentally. I regathered my thoughts and put my head down, but could feel the "empty spins" in my legs, you know, the kind when you *think* you're going hard, but in essence you're just being melodramatic! Anyway, I hit the feedzone hill and said ot myself, ok, so, let's blow up the next 30 minutes as hard as we can and make some time up. I was able to get some good speed on the massive downhill and attempt to recover both physically and mentally. It worked, only temporarily though. The next 22 minutes was pure mental hell. I was going as hard as I could, then again, empty spins came back. I hit the 2nd turnaround and could tell that I was in trouble. At that point, it was survival, and just getting to the finish. I was able to kinda yo yo a bit and put some digs in here or there, but eventually it was fruitless. I saw a few of the CAT 3's coming around, and realized that they may in fact catch me. That was unacceptable, considering they'd be about 10+ minutes BEHIND me at the start. So, at that point, my goal was to not let them catch me, and, to go under an hour. I accomplished both. So, I won a battle today, and not the war, but I live to fight another day.

My major problem, I think, is that I've hardly raced at all this spring. This is essentially my 3rd race, after 2-3 months FULL of racing for other guys. It's not a fitness thing at all though. I think the motivation that goes along with getting your ass kicked, albeit in competition or a good group ride, is missing. The weather put the kibosh on a lot of group rides this winter, and I wasn't able to get my ass handed to me on any of the Stazio crits to really light my ass on fire. The TT is great fun, and I do truley love the discipline. However, it is a solo sort of race, and those can burn a lot of mental matches. Even though I sat out the last few CCTT's, it's still a hard discipline to come to terms with. I think a big thing for me was racing early last spring, getting some semi-ok results, but GAINING serious motivation because I'd get pissed. I remember last year's Deer Trail road race. Gosh those conditions were AWFUL...I finished though. Same thing with the Stazio crit series. Sure I crashed in 1 of them, and didn't really finish too many of them (maybe none?), but, I had fun. I had a freaking blast. Yes I suffered, but I did it. I tried. This spring, I didn't even bother trying. I focused solely on the TT's, and when those didn't go so well, I just sorta gave up. I put too much stock into those and made it a "make or break" sorta thing with me mentally.

What happened between the 1st & 2nd CCTT? I have no idea, but, since then, it's been nothing but a reality check and a very frustrating one at that. Right now, my plan is to do as many races as possible. In fact, I have 12 in the next few weeks, including the training races. Sure some folks say they "don't count", but they're only after results. Me? I'm after a good time. I'm after trying. I'm battling with the old "If I don't try, I can't fail"...pretty silly logic huh? What do I accomplish? Nothing. In fact, I lose more than I shoot to gain. I know that I'm a super strong dude, and have the fitness to do and accomplish many awesome things.

I just gotta unlock it.

I just gotta try.