The importance of being dishonest (with yourself)

So, last night was the 3rd of 7 Cherry Creek TT's. Yet again it did not go as planned. For some reason, I am simply messing with myself and using the Jedi Mind Trick on my own brain. I really need to learn to simply go by feel from now on. For some reason, I've started becoming more reliant on the SRM display for telling me how I feel vs what I am capable of. It's a clear fact...I have been able to ride my brains out WITHOUT looking at the damn thing. Case & point...this past Sunday. I rode such a good ride and I literally didn't look down at the SRM
the entire time, except for a split second to say "Holy crap...I feel good right now". Other than that, it was simply just on. I think what is happening is I am looking down at the number, and saying to myself "easy..you're gonna blow up", when in fact, I probably wouldn't... I could settle in and go by feel. Rather, when I warn myself, it appears that I overcompensate by going too easy. Then, I get discouraged and frustrated that right at that moment, my power isn't high enough, and thus, essentially take myself out of the game. I am essentially trying to convince myself that I am not going to make it. Why do I do this? Not sure...but I'm going to lean towards some anxiety and the fact that I think I am judged by my results in a race. Also, I'm simply trying to convince myself that it's true...I'm suffering. However, I need to lie to myself...and say "Nah...you're not suffering. It's racing...it's gonna be hard". Once that happens, it takes the fun out of it for me. When the fun is gone...it simply sucks and I don't want to do it. I think the best thing for me to do right now, for next Wednesday, is simply remove the powercontrol, or place it somehwere else on the bike (out of view....like under the seatpost or something)and just go with it. Either that, or tape up the power display, and go by speed. I know that my speed needs to be about 25.5/26 mph or higher to put in a good time...so why not do that? It's worth a shot. In all of my other races...i.e. crits/rr's. I NEVER look down...I simply let the race dictate my efforts. Why can't I do the same here? I look at the people out there that I race against, and very few of them have powermeters/etc...and they simply crush it. It's inspirational, and at the same time frustrating. However, I'm going to train myself to not be so reliant. I have to...I am going to...I will!!

Again, worth a shot! Andiamo!