Something is wrong...something is missing. I think it's Waldo...aka my motivation.
I don't know where it went, or when it went, but dammit if I'm not going to find it. There is a disturbing pattern that is growing here...I train, and then, when it's time to throw down, I forget all of my fitness at home, and just kinda "wing it". I have been training no more than I did last year, with the exception of course at different intensity to simply get stronger. Mind you, this intensity isn't anything too much, as my coach prescribes the right amount based on previous training/etc. However, I feel like I can't suffer as much I as use to last year, I can't dig as deep as I could last year, and I simply am not as motivated as I am last year. Case in point...today's Lookout Hill Climb. Now, I know I am not a climber by any means, compared to guys like Jordan, Andy, Josh, or the other skinny tanks, but I can hold a 20+min effort plenty north of 300 watts. My PR at Lookout (for a non climber...bigger sorta guy) is 22:13 @ 312watts (316 normalized). That's pretty sweet for my class, albeit not in comparison to the sub 21 & even sub 20 minutes some of these guys can do it in. Almost 364 days ago, I did the same race...the Lookout Hill Climb RACE (not ITT), but was almost 3 minutes slower than last year. I probably finished last or pretty damn close to it. I've chartted, graphed, analyzed, and run freakin reverse fractals against the data between the 2 days. Power is almost identical...today was 282.1W, last year was 281.8W. Time this year was an appalling 25:53(NO THAT IS NOT A TYPE-O), where as last year was 23:13. Again, I was NOT expecting to win, just put in a good effort. To make matters worse, my Cherry Creek times and numbers are even further in the shitter. Last year, I finished top 5 overall, and that was with some freaking FAST ASS MOFO's!! Hammerheads Ed Yousse, Matt Segur, and Brad Marshall would throw down sub 23:30's every week, and I would do my damndest to break 24min. I'd say my overall average over the entire series was probably somewhere around 308W. Average means above, and below. One day I did 324, and, I think my lowest was like 289. This year, my average is somewhere around 285. Peak so far has been 291W and lowest was 268W. I broke 26 minutes the other night...yes there was wind, but shit, I did the same conditions last year and had a best time of 24:07...I am at least 1-2 minutes slower this year. It's perplexing. The only things from a *training* perspective that are different between this year and last, was the awful weather putting a damper on the training year. 
I really suffered mentally...pretty much to the point of depression, and I think I might still be harboring some of those feelings. I tried to fill in the blanks with xc skiing and whatnot, but I think I relied too much on getting my workouts in, rather than simply embracing the weather, and going skiing. What's the big deal with that? Well, I just lost all motivation to do anyting at all. Even xc-ski sometimes.
Again, rather than embracing the weather and being able to spend time with my wonderful lady, vs duking it out for 5hrs in the snowy weather on the road, I simply didn't think there was any solution except just say "F-it". It's great that I can ride the trainer for up to 4hrs in one day, but too many days of that, and you just say screw it. Another (could be MAJOR as far as physical...most likely is) cause was my lack of yoga in the offseason. I was rounding down my tenure with my job, and simply didn't have time to go because of deadlines/etc. I typically took a 4-5pm class over at Samadhi, but, due to the fact that I couldn't get out of the office on time, I simply didn't go. 
Once I started lifting, I still didn't get a chance to go...heck, I'd get to the gym at like 9pm most days, then, I'd have to do 1hr on the trainer or something like that. Also, that's when I hurt my knee...I kind of lost the discipline for whatever reason, and there is no sense in trying to cram 4-5 months of yoga and discipline into 2 weeks to try to get ready, so, I'm just going to have to suck it up and be prepared that this season might just be harder than last. **Post put on hold & resumed Monday am**
So, I woke up yesterday and my legs felt like lead weights. Mentally, again, I was indifferent about racing. I decided to skip today's crit and get some good mental & girlfriend refresher time. We started from the Greenbriar and went out & up to Carter Lake, turned around and back to the Greenbriar for a big ole brunch
with our friends. The whole crew went riding...Mike, Rita, Chazzle Dazzle, and a bunch of other folks that always participate on Sundays. It was nice to get out. The best part about the ride was that I felt a bit of guilt and some regret for NOT racing. Defintely got me thinking about things! I'm glad about that. Just goes to show to me that I want to do it. However, I didn't let it detract from the beautiful weather and the great company I had...just kinda hung there on my mind like a snot rocket on your shorts.I'm defintiely going to stick to the plan for the week...i.e. CCTT & WOT. I'm going to ride this thing out (no pun intended), but still go see/talk to a sports psychologist to get a good skills refresh and whatnot. That's VERY important given the upcoming importance of the next month & the rest of the season. I want to kick it into an even higher gear, and make sure I have the mental gas to freaking tear up the next bunch of races. I think part of it too, is just letting go, and not putting so much pressure on myself. So what if other people are going faster than me this year...it's bound to happen. They might have been afforded more time in the offseason to ride...it's simple math.
The important question now, is...now what? What do I do about it? Do I remain frustrated at every little thing that goes wrong, allowing them to snowball into something so big that even I can't handle it? NO...answer is simple...just remain focused. Use the positivity people around me have been giving me and turn that into energy...kind of like symbiosis...I'll feed off of it. I have such a strong support structure and I never take it for granted, and, oftentimes I also don't look to it and feel like I am in this alone. After this weekend though, I know I am not!If I have a crappy time at Cherry Creek, it's going to be a crappy time with my best possible effort. If I finish 89th out of 88 people in a race, it doesn't matter...the fact that I'm out there and that I gave it my best is key. I'm just going to have fun and race my butt off.
Here goes...
1 comment:
Hang in there. It will come around, everyone goes through it. See ya Wed.
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